Thinking about stomachs (KICK IN THE PANTS PIE)

by heytherewildflower

Once my dad forced me (my entire family actually) to attend a leadership lecture. Once a business leadership lecturer lectured his little heart out at me, claiming humans have a total of 4 brains technically (because a brain is really just a nerve cluster) and the stomach gut is one of them? gut decisions sort of brain? Jessica has me convinced that Reiki might actually work because she temporarily cured my insomnia by reiking my brain a few nights in a row. I felt a volt. I thought reiki was active placebo…but now Im not so sure. I definitely believe in stomach brains. Once I met a guy on a ski chairlift who instructed me to cure a headache by imagining that my stomach was smiling. I did and it made me laugh. so maybe it worked. My friend Kyla paints giant portraits of aliens with bulbous faces protruding from their stomachs. a whole series of giant, ugly aliens. they are heinous, but i bought one because i love her, and it has grown on me since then. She also wrote an epic poem about the infinite and awesome sounds capable of tennis balls. Her favorite color is chartreuse (which may or may not be the color of tennis balls) and she believes that opening 10 new tennis ball canisters in a row is the equivalent of one medium sized orgasm. She teaches at an elementary school in Taiwan. she might be a genius.

Today I made “landlocked misery pie.” Graham cracker crust. layer of cinnamon chocolate. then a layer of oatmeal cookie. then pecans. then caramel. then drowned in rum. then stuck through the middle with a kebab stick pierced strawberry (heart shaped.) when cut, the layers look like canyon walls. I spent all my tip money on this concoction and I think im going to throw it at the English department building.Before or After I light it on fire.

All the Pies of “Waitress”

Pie #1: Blue Plate Special I DON’T WANT EARL’S BABY PIE or BAD BABY PIE – Quiche with egg and brie cheese with a smoked ham center (later referred to as BAD BABY QUICHE PIE by old Joe)

Pie #2: KICK IN THE PANTS PIE – Cinnamon spice custard (Today’s Special)

Pie #3: I HATE MY HUSBAND PIE – “You make it with bittersweet chocolate and don’t sweeten it. You make it into a pudding and drown it in caramel …”

Pie #4: SPAGHETTI PIE – has at home with husband

Pie #5: MARSHMELLOW MERMAID PIE – From when she was in her mermaid stage. Pie made for Dr. Mueller, and given later in the appointment to Dr. Pomatter. “Biblically good!”


Pie #7: BABY SCREAMING IT’S HEAD OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND RUINING MY LIFE PIE – New York-style cheesecake, brandy brushed and topped with pecans and nutmeg

Pie #8: PEACHY KEEN TARTS – made for Dr. Pomatter

Pie #9: EARL MURDERS ME BECAUSE I’M HAVING AN AFFAIR PIE – “You smash blackberries and raspberries into a chocolate crust.”

Pie #10: I CAN’T HAVE NO AFFAIR BECAUSE IT’S WRONG AND I DON’T WANT EARL TO KILL ME PIE – “Vanilla custard with banana. Hold the banana …”

Pie #11: SPANISH DANCER PIE WITH POTATO CRUST – Joe orders at the Diner

Pie #12: NAUGHTY PUMPKIN PIE – brought to appointment for Dr. Pomatter, but unexpectedly with Dr. Mueller. Dr. Pomatter unexpectedly out of town with wife

Pie #13: STRAWBERRY CHOCOLATE OASIS PIE – After Joe orders this one and Jenna tells him that it’s just a pie: “Just a pie! It’s downright expert. A thing’a beauty … how each flavor opens itself, one by one, like a chapter in a book. First, the flavor of an exotic spice hits ya … Just a hint of it … and then you get flooded with chocolate, dark and bittersweet like an old love affair …” – Joe

Pie #14: PREGNANT MISERABLE SELF PITYING LOSER PIE – “Lumpy oatmeal with fruitcake mashed in. Flambéed of course …”

Pie #15: LONELY CHICAGO PIE – Teaches Dr. Pomatter how to make this one

Pies #16 & #17: CAR RADIO PIE and JENNA’S FIRST KISS PIE – These are pies Jenna’s mom used to make that she fondly remembers.

Pie #18: OLD JOE’S HORNY PIE – Jenna states she is going to invent after a saucy story from Old Joe.