elimination dance

by heytherewildflower

TILL WE BE ROTEN, KAN WE NOT BE RYPEN

Elimination Dance: “The rules of the dance are simple: if the caller announces a circumstance that has occurred in the lifetime of you or your partner, you must leave the dance floor at once.”

+those who claim to have turrets syndrome because its more acceptable than an unexplainable nervous twitch

+anyone who has at some point found themselves romanticizing syphilis

+those who make elaborate plans to watch the sunrise with a friend, but tragically and usually sleep right through it

+anyone whose pet peeve is the word “pet peeve”

+any person who owns a plastic statue of a goofy buddha

+anyone who has purposefully visited a Sex and the City tourist location

+those who, the night barack obama was elected, consumed 3 celebratory hotdogs and vomited

+anyone who has woken up with an ant tattooed behind their left ear and the lingering taste of strawberries

+anyone who as a child, bought a gift because they believed the word “faux” meant fancy

+anyone who suffers under the delusion that “made in italy” means GOOD QUALITY

+those who feel social pressure not to bathe

+individuals who have recurrent nightmares featuring armpits

+Men who lactate

+Anyone who has killed a small animal in order to feel powerful

+Anyone who keeps a dream journal and occasionally reads excerpts from it to seduce cycles new lovers

+Men who suspect their father has a bigger penis

+anyone who has been caught doodling a penis on a sleeping person’s face

+Any person who has accidentally referred to conversations or small happenings that actually took place in adream, and managed to convince his fellow in conversation of the validity of this previous interaction, only to be struck later that his interaction merely occurred in a dream.

+anyone who has had sex while touring at least two of the official WONDERS OF THE WORLD

+anyone who has declined an invitation to join the mile high club

+any person subject to unusually frequent flatulence, caught in a lifelong struggle to hide it, has developed stellar kegel muscles practicing wind control.

+Those who feel compelled to eat soup on rainy days

+anyone who sometimes envision their innards as a tangle of watermelon vines and apple tree seedlings, and quite a pleasant environment for parasites

+those who are disappointed that they have not had the opportunity to use an airplane escape hatch slide

+anyone who has not gotten rid of a single beanie baby from their childhood collection

+anyone who has attempted to memorize the phrase “AHH I have an ax stuck in my head” in as many languages as possible

+Anyone who have been disturbed from their sleep due to the overwhelming sensation of that a spider has just crawled into their mouth

+anyone who has successfully composed a sentence with alphabet soup noodles.

+any woman who rebels against and avoids at all costs, turning into her mother, but finds herself teaching incompetents  how to cut tomatoes and fold laundry how her mother taught her to do it.

+any teacher who fell into their profession to support another ambition, who’ve become secretly bitter and paranoid when one of their students shows signs of a talent that outstrips them

+those who feel that their greatest accomplishment or act is behind them, and learn to knit and find themselves scouring their bathroom sinks frequently and showering twice daily, and reading promiscuously: 5 novels at the same time.

+those who loved the sitcom “friends” and find themselves nostalgically hiding tax documents, birth certificates and objects (smaller than a breadbox) next to their bagel bites and tubs of discount icecream.

+any person who has broken a diet for the enticement of cleverly named flavor of Ben and Jerry’s icecream.

+individuals who adore the scent salmon, but not gasoline

+any person who has killed a frog

+men who have expressed interest in helping to remove or insert a lover’s tampon, and whom find the act highly sensual.

+anyone who has experienced a mild loss of tastebuds due to competitive cook offs with enthusiasts of intensely spicey dishes

+Women who claim to detest ice cream, and avoid at all costs making trips to the bathroom with friends, but considers her sexual trademark to politely request firm spanking, and offering lessons to those who meet her request with below par strength and sting

+Anyone who has related enthusiastically to the diary of kurt cobaine, but is ashamed of it

+anyone who has given up learning guitar because their hands are too small, but is an excellent typist.

+those who’ve kissed a violinist with a chin rash

+those who’ve been hit on with the line “I bet you never slept with a —– before” and could truthfully counter with an affirmative statement.

+any person who has experimented with mummification by coating a bug in clear nailpolish

+any individual who has swallowed a centipede at the bottom of a tequila bottle, and invented hallucinations that, as alcohol took its effect, became believable.

+anyone who has been caught smuggling undeclared purchases or fruit across country borders

+Those with an irrational fear of dogs used to sniff out drugs in customs and baggage claims

+anyone who pauses to examine their toenail clippings, post clipping

+any person who has written a poem using a metaphor that relates toe or fingernail clippings to crescent moons

+all those who have not actually completed reading “A Tale of Two Cities”

+all novice artists who have stolen their roommates mirror, broken it, used the shards in a bad project, and lied about it

+anyone in the habit of crashing weddings in foreign countries

+Those who do not cry at weddings

+anyone who feels uncomfortable performing sexual acts in the sight of their beloved pets

+those who dream of owning an avocado farm

+those who are caught by overwhelming bouts of giggles at funerals

+all individuals who are tempted to pull faces or shout obscenities at an open casket service

+those people who’ve found themselves reprimanding a friend who has become obsessed with famous deaths and suicides.

+those with a fetish for furious broken english

+Any person who has attempted to perform occular linctus an an unsuspecting passerby

+Any man who has written a song about a dead girl

+All those who enjoy participating in cultural sensations, and appreciate the word “sensationalized”

+Anyone who can achieve a accurate impression of the Mr. Movie Head voice

+Those who have experience anal leakage

+Those individuals who never wanted to be a doctor, lawyer or psychiatrist when they grew up.

+All men who have tasted the breast milk of a platonic lady friend

+Any person who has suffered the embarrassment of a maternal figure pinching their butt cheeks in public

+Women who frequently cup their breasts as a natural stance

+All women who’ve dyed their hair to match the weather

+anyone who fantasizes about mermaids, or has successfully or unsuccessfully constructed a coconut bra

+Men who have conquered their fear of bra hooks, but not vibrators

+Anyone who has written a letter to a rockstar or a politician

+any person who takes hallucinogens and finds trees underwhelming

+anyone who has dated someone for a free meal

+anyone who believes the experience of popping open a new canister of tennisballs is equivalent to one small orgasm.

+those who provoke debates of coke vs soda vs pop and icee vs slurpee

+all those who wallpaper bathroom walls with rejection letters from literary agents, or literary agents who have propositioned clients who they do not intend to publish

+anyone who has eaten jellyfish

+those who find the sensation of running their fingers along cold glass erotic

+individuals who have attempted acrobatic sexual positions and seriously hurt themselves.

+any lactose intolerant person who has drunk milk for an unenlightened love one

+those who fear sidewalk cracks at an inappropriately mature age, but are not actually OCD or anxious

+authors who have also mastered horsemanship

+all curators who have cut themselves whilst righting a crooked painting

+anyone who has stolen an elderly person’s pants and cut them into booty shorts

+individuals who claim relation to George Washington

+any person who uses unlucky numbers such as 13 or 4 as numbers for sports uniforms

+any intramural sports participant who prefers to engage activity commando

+any writer attracted to the words “Chartreuse” and “Nautical”

+any person who bites a peach, but ritually asks him or herself “dare to eat a peach?” before devouring the peach.

+Men who hate buying flowers for their girlfriends out of principal of anti-romanticism, or because they’re allergic

+Women who invent endearing nicknames for themselves and use them when engaged in internal dialogues.

+Those who collect sayings such as “crazier than a witchhunt” or “what fresh hell is this?” and wait years before deciding the precise moment to introduce the phrase as an essential part of their lingual repertoire.

+Any man who has booty called a woman who is in labor

+Any woman who’s induced labor by sleeping with a man who is not her husband

+Those who have worn rain ponchos as shirts

+any person who badly misquotes themselves while delivering loud and highly spirited renditions of their day to a mixed audience of loved ones and strangers

+Anyone who has fallen in love with a liar, inspired by the false premises of their lies, used them as plot points for a novel, became creatively reliant and stuck in the sticky relationship.

+Anyone who had participated in a relationship has fallen apart as a result of uncomplimentary chemistry of body odors

+Any artist who plans, and happily awaits the day when he or she will quit art to become a mother or a family man, who has never fallen in love, or completed a project.

+those who retain disturbing childhood memories of discovering a cache of baby teeth while looking for Christmas presents.

+individuals who, as children, were confused and intrigued by the toothfairy

+Gentlemen who push themselves to achieve innovative styles of facial hair

+Gentlemen who’ve shaved their facial hair in a gesture of sensitivity for their sexual partner, and brag about it

+Old men who cite Hitler’s vegetarianism as a argumentative point in convincing their granddaughters to eat pot roast

+Those who are poignently disturbed by visions of cannibalism when the word “done” is used incorrectly, instead of the proper “finished”

+Any person who imagines rabid tree squirrels attacking their f ace, and contemplates means of defense.

+Those who are frightened of crumbling and chalky teeth and bloody gums

+Any person who has seen a ghost, and had a friendly conversation with it

+Vegans who occasionally sneak cheese at midnigh, and chain smoke cigarettes socially

+People who enjoy eating hot dogs raw

+Women who masturbate to fantasies of someone watching them masturbate

+Men who light candles when they don’t expect company

+Any person who has encountered legal trouble  as a consequence of climbing buildings

+Anyone who has pretended to be a character in Saving Private Ryan and used a thong as a headbandage

+Those who have traveled to South America and had a miserable time

+Any person who color codes their closet or enjoys the challenge of balancing books on their head.

+Those who, in conversation, replace the word “purchased” with the phrase “snapped up” or the word “collect” with the word “curate”

+Anyone whohas played “hey johnny johnny, hey johnny johnny, whoops, johnny, johnny” with a knife instead of a pencil

+Those who rarely bruise

+Any person who relishes the flavors of their morning breath

+All those who’ve stick their tongue to frozen metal objects repeatedly because they find consequent skin patterns fascinating and beautiful

+Any man who has since divorced himself from the idea he had of his wife when he fell in love with her

+Any woman who has tripped over her husbands shoes and gotten a black eye

+Those who pick the scabs of their sex wounds so they might scar

+All humanitarians who have not called their mothers in the past week

+All aging librarians who have not had sex in the workplace, who write fiction stories with nobakov starring as the antihero

+Those who’ve taught their siblings what sex is, and used stuffed animals or diagrams to convey the lesson

+Anyone who likes to poke prominent finger and foot veins.

+Any woman who, as a girl, only pretended to like pink, and consistently practiced drawing hearts for fear of being socially isolated.

+Men who are unimpressed with themselves

+ women who find crowsfeet wrinkles attractive

+anyone who performs daily foot grooming rituals