stuff that makes me happy?
Being in CO springs for the summer has given me plenty of time to think about what I want to do and what I want my life to be filled with. I realize I got really depressed for a couple weeks this summer because I forgot what made me happy and I stopped doing the stuff that I forgot made me happy. and etc.
This is The List In Progress
2. dancing to live music
3. live music/my ipod
5. finding new writers i love absolutely
6. becoming submerged in thoughts and art and style of art and styles of writing that have never occurred to me before.
8. being looked at
9. putting together really good outfits
10. sunshine/but not too hot
11. picture books
12. witty AND non-judgmental people
13. people doing and thinking and saying cool things
14. making absurd travel plans
15. adventures on the ocean
16. BOATS/going fast over waves
17. going at fast speeds
18. fast speeds
19. people who have their own style of speaking and lingual quirks
20. laughing my ass off
21. movies like BIG and people like tom hanks’ character in big
22. people who do cool arts and crafts stuff
23. people who cook
24. people who catch and gather and plant and pluck stuff to cook for themselves
25. cooking for people
26. the idea of falling in love
27. thinking about falling love
29. people giving me flowers
30. giving flowers to people/giving thoughtful things to people
31. popsicles. all forms. eating them. and watching people eat them.
32. swings/swinging on swings
34. ocean sounds/staring at oceans
35. being lost on an adventure
36. not a nine to five job and not a not nine to five job
37. doing work that i like
38. not working for an asshole
39. working with people, but NOT serving them
40. not cutting lemons
41. not wrapping silverware
42. making hearts out off syrup for desert decoration
43. making shapes in lattes and cappuccinos
44. big hair
45. big smiles
46. absurd humor and not always witty humor .witty humor when its disaffected. sarcasm if its flirtatious.
47. people who give you a break
48. bucking broncos
49. watching sports and knowing the team im watching
50. whiskey sours
51. floaty dresses
52. johnny cash johnny cash johnny cash buddy holly
THINGS I HATE
1. GUILT TRIPS
2. nine to five jobs
3. being bored
4. being landlocked without a car, or frequent chances of escape
5. being overwhelmed
6. no flirtation
7. feeling sluggish/ugly (they’re the same)
8. eating big weird meals of snack food
9. writing bad poetry
10. faulkner cheating on his wife/faulkner’s wife being a big fat mess and not half as glamorous as i thought.
11. sad artists
12. dead artists
13. alcoholic writers
14. thinking im an alcoholic, feeling guilty about drinking, not enjoying drinking from guilt, drinking too much, justifying it with examples of alcoholic writers, justifying it with french people and wine industry connections, justifying it with examples from my family, justifying it by moderating but still drinking daily, binge drinking and then feeling too shitty to drink for 4 days then feeling proud of myself for not drinking even though it was only a natural progression from the original shitshow of drinking ,freaking out about my drinking and then freaking out about everything, justifying it. endless fucking cycle of uselessness. and guilt.
15. abandonment anxiety
16. worrying about not talking enough in groups of people/not being entertaining enough (compulsion to entertain developed from early age.)
17. worrying about talking too much/talking too much about myself/being a burden on the people around me due to manic tendencies.
18. worrying about being too shy.
19. wanting a middle ground for my personality but not really having much of one (Especially now in this turbulent time…this time of change…this time of freaking out and trying to figure out what i like and what i do well and what will keep me fed and what will keep me happy and what will keep me writing and what will keep me writing well and what will keep me studying stuff that will benefit my writing and make me a more educated person.)
20. ALL OF MY ANXIETIES.
21. thinking about relationships with the opposite sex. not being in the right head space for it, and knowing it. wanting a stable relationship, but not wanting to be bored, getting bored too easily by every guy, wondering if i am closed off to developing closer relationships with people because im a coward, or if i meet the right person i’ll know instantaneously? or what if different kinds of approaches to relationships mature into different relationships? why seek ecstasy? why seek stability? could they coexist? do i care? am i too wrapped up with myself right now to give a damn? possibly.
22. being 22 years old. FUCK 22. its snake eyes staring back at snake eyes and canceling out the symmetry by being too…two???? perfectly fucking smack dab in the middle of two things, and not off kilter enough to be a good age? 23 sounds way better. prime?
prime of life?
some kind of bullshit like that.
21 is just the funniest thing to be ever, because the day you turn 21 is the day 21 ceases to be interesting. the anxiety starts then. and the wrinkles. and the sagging.
i want my 16 year old butt back damnit.
23. BEING JEALOUS OF OTHER PEOPLE’S LIFE PLANS.
i hate that most of all. it makes me feel like such a boring and lazy and bitter cunt.
The Great Order of the Universe?!