facebook don’t you toy with my emotions

by heytherewildflower

The new facebook thing that reminds you of what you did or said or whatever exactly a year or 3 or 4 years before has not failed to bring me to tears at least every other day for the past week. Also, somebody posted a Mumford and Sons cover of the Wagon Wheel bullshit, and definitely that crap made me cry audibly. Very fucking annoying. Last time I was in CO, I never wanted to go back. A week after I left, I was planning a road trip back in 9 months. Now I want to go back right now.

EXCEPT NOT. OF COURSE NOT.

and

with each job rejection I unfriend 10 idiots. facebook is good for anger management like that.

I am tempted to reformat all cover letters to fit the form FIRST DEVELOPED BY LEO GALLAGHER for his college essay:

Gallagher ‘s Essay:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller ‘number nine’ and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

But my expresso drink making skills are below average, But I am the worst waitress in the world, But I specialize in comma splices and run on sentences,

Thanks for your time. Hope to hear back from you soon!

Sincerely,

Alison Abraham

p.s. just completed my egg donor application. im quitting smoking– so there really shouldn’t be any problems.

Im totally one of those people who will try to worm their way into the family kinda like THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT.

screw being pregnant. i’ll be a kid poacher. like one of those bandit birds who steals the nests of other birds just as the eggs are ready to hatch.

I have one thing on my side: I am very confident that I chose the right place. It would’ve been easier to move to SF because I have so many friends and relatives around…but Seattle is just better. better water. better writers. better monetarily. better pretty. better sexy. better smart. better young artist communities. And I get to start fresh without leaning on the crutch of CC or Highschool friendships. which I like.

I have one thing on my side: LE SIIIIIIIIGH (THE POWER OF BEAUTY)

I have one thing on my side: My sister is from the same place as me again. California, Asia, New Mexico, Costa Rica and now….Colorado.

we get to share Colorado. MOn, Im excited for you to appreciate the wonders of the CC obsession with the wagon wheel song. Im so happy you get to belong to it too 🙂

Maybe I can also make a home for us in Washington.