OKCUPID // Steak doesn’t speak to me

by heytherewildflower

SO my roommate the awesome lady met her boyfriend through OKCUPID.com

yesterday I got an OKCUPID.com profile because obviously whatever she does is awesome. and also– I had insomnia because my body was vibrating with moving anxieties.

I moved all my crap today. all by myself. and my new apt is not on the first floor. so SUCK IT.

If Colorado Springs had been Seattle, I definitely would’ve been bored enough for the past two years to make this OKCUPID thing seem appealing…but Colorado Springs is Colorado Springs and fuck no would I meet somebody through a CO springs OKCUPID.

I doubt I’ll use it here for a while though, cus even thinking about going on a date with a rando OKCUPID cupid sounds exhausting like a job interview. I’ve been doing too many of those lately. and before the job interviews, too many housing/roommate interviews.

I’ve sold the shit out of my personality and I think the product quality has down graded drastically. I need to hide in bed for a week and do nothing and then maybe I’ll have the energy for an encounter of the sexy OKCUPID kind.


the only celebrity memoir I’ve ever really enjoyed is anthony kiedis’ memoir “Scar Tissue.” It wasn’t annoying at all. It was also the first account I’d read that really captured the agony and gross pathetic nasty of addictions and withdrawals. and I am pretty sure stories from the memoir played a solid role in triggering my disgust for the Romanticized hard rocker heroine chic crap and the Romanticized destitute beautifully suicidal artist bullshit. Thanks Tony.

i read a recent interview of his and its so fucking pretentious, its precious. and that means I love him even more for it. duh.

You’re a vegan. For your last meal would you go for a fatty steak or just some tempeh?
I’m not a true vegan. I dabble in sustainable fish and dawdle in the consumption of eggs. Steak doesn’t speak to me, and tempeh is so-so. I’ll savor a solitary apricot that’s been kissed by my baby.

In a different life I think we could be best friends because I would never fuck him. He’s too short and ridiculous. (but he does have nice hair)

Also. Cher is his godmother.

(I am more into Flea. And when I say more I mean Flea so sexy I had a poster of the Flea when I was younger and I hung it right next to the pretty one of our mr. Dylan. high honor.)

these were they.

My ideal man would be a mix of these two images and a mash of these two men. Somewhere between baby and man. part dreamy narcissist  (good with his mouth) part quiet moody soulful shit eater (good with his fingers)

(I joke! but Im not joking at all. the terrible truth.)

if that wasn’t explicit enough for you, I’ll be sure to write something worse after my first OKCUPID date.

maybe I’ll be writing it from the grave where I’ve been buried alive after being raped and robbed.

or worse.

maybe I’ll be writing it from coital bliss and it’ll be so sickening, you’ll have to stop reading and stop being my friend.

(in this scenario I’d go onto being a professional dating advice blogger, one who speaks from a position of wisdom in the field of digital age fairy tales. then they will make a reality T.V. show about my blog and my sex life and it will be called SEATTLEITE, A 2011 SEX ODYSSEY.  it will be the new Sex and the City….but to the 10X power because Carry sucked at computers.

then the show will get SO FAMOUS, you will go on SEATTLEITE SEX ODYSSEY tours of my Seattle, from my eyes.)

(in my other scenario of urban life, I am sitting on a couch drinking coffee and making really good quips with my 5 best friends.)

(in my other other scenario I am butt dancing up the San Francisco hills in stilletos, talking on the phone to my best friend at the same time, who at the same time is listening to the same song and butt dancing up the other side of the hill. and then we meet at the top and have a dance montage and then skip up to our super sexy apartment. then we go back down and sing the YOU’RE TOO BIG TO FIT IN HERE TOO BIG TO FIT IN HERE ow ow ow ow MY BODY IS A MOVIE AND YOUR PENIS IS THE STAR song. then we go to a wedding.)

p.p.s. I havent had the heart to change my clock from CO time to WA time. Which probably means my Seattleite orbit hasn’t quite adjusted its kilter yet. and is off.

I miss you all.