I have issues

by heytherewildflower

I mean….really

The libraries of Seattle have been closed for a week or so due to labor day holiday. Bad News for me and my bank account because instead of the library, I’ll go to a cafe with WIFI.

ANYWAY, its open again– and today was my first opportunity to go to the Capitol Hill library (architecture DESIGNED BY SAM’S PARENTS!!! whoa!) its so fucking beautiful. but anyway, I looked up the thing on google maps (had visited the outside already when it was closed) and discovered (as I basically already knew) that the library was about 5 blocks from my apartment. I planned my route on google maps and ventured forth into the wide wide world.

it took me an hour and fifteen minutes to get to it. 5 blocks. but no. i read the map backwards and upside down and went too far, and doubled all the way back and missed it (because I am a space cadet) and then went back the way  I came…but not far enough and then and then…


this is only to illustrate how difficult house hunting and job interviews are for me. I have to spend an hour or two the night before designing a game plan before I leave the house. every single time. Complete with back up plans and alternate routes. and land mark guides.

EXCEPT I am pretty solid on how to get to the convenient store that sells wine. and I know how to get down town. easy peezy. follow the water.

and because its funny and I am funny and I find myself funny which is why I write a blog because I want to share my awesome and hilarious inner dialogues with the world (or because I am a narcissistic cunt who likes to accuse others of narcissism in one post, while posting photobooth pictures and long bullshit rants about her feelings in the next post) (you choose)

anyway, because of the first reason, I am sharing this poem with you that I wrote 5 months ago and haven’t touched or edited one bit since.

Farewell  is a crappy word for this century

Farewell is a crappy word for this century
Placing emphasis on the speaker who most likely
talks really really slow for This Day and Age.

I’d like to talk like an old man.
Like an old man,
I’d like to hide my face in a beard that necessitates my infinite wisdom.

Farewell my dear!

Farewell to arms!

wishnut minichunks chipmonk monkey fucking a football,

Farewell 21st century!
I am leaving you for the savagely noble war
Upon which I meditate sadly

And with Honor! of course.

Farewell 21st century
And your blogosphere and your dopery
And your steeziness
And your pop culture
And your rich hippies
And fashion fuckery!

I am leaving you now

For the folksy flowerness
And protest song perfection of yesteryear!
For arlo guthrie and long haired freaky people!

Farewell freakshow interweb photobooth pornsite!
Farewell eminent apocalypses
I am leaving you for better apocalypses

I am leaving you for Keats’ decadent fairy kingdom,

For sweetness before it was corrupted by aspartame!

Farewell twentysomething yuppie somethings,
And cosmopolitan sipping swizzle stick idiots!

I am leaving you for a time
before my lips were crusted
By swear words and dicks and wine stain
and general use.

Accept this Fairly-Noble goodbye,

the notable Lie Of well wishing, implying only the nobility of the speaker,

this is the end of farewell.


P.S. there are two kinds of blood suckers in the world. the sexy kind. and the james franco kind. one has fangz and one is a disgusting bloated leech. only useful as poison sponge.


IS THE YEAR THIS MFA PROGRAM DROPS 8 RANKS (FROM FIRST TO 8TH) in the official MFA program ranking!!1


(never understood why he was attracted to the program in the first place. IT IS A SEXY PROGRAM and its sexiness is gaining publicity and renown, but FOR FUCK’S SAKE, the reason its so awesome is because its so well funded!! the programs are incredible because of this AND ITS FREE AS FUCK. so fuck you franco, at that price you could just start your own goddamn mfa program. fuckhead.)


you know whats funny? the MFA program in Houston provides full funding to almost every single student….except like 2. isn’t that strange?!!! LIKE….FREE RIDES FOR ALLL!

BUT NOT FOR  YOU! and you!

(in my BOOKSTORE TOUR OF SEATTLE–which includes pretty much every single bookstore in the entire city. nO JOKE–every time i see james fuckhead’s palo alto, i take all the copies and i hide them in the self help books. should the idiots who look in the self help section stumble upon franco, so be it. they deserve each other.)