merry christmas from one who wants to off the universe

by heytherewildflower

Sometimes I hate everything. Then I dress up like a clashing cat lady hipster christmas tree. it’s something to do.

I even wore my underwear backwards today. shit just happens.

Ever notice how girls who dance, AND I DON’T MEAN GIRLS who flail around to ludacris and lana del ray remixes (me), nO, I mean DANCER-GIRLS, seem to have this ongoing, never dying, constant, unfailing, reliable, un-ceasing, incessant, sisyphusian COMPETITION in their photo-shoots; WHO CAN BE THE LEANEST AND THE BENDIEST OF THE BETCHES?

don’t get me wrong, you’re all hot as fuck. it’s painful to see you walking around in your spandex on a regular afternoon. unless, of course, MY FAVORITE! you’re wearing said spandex as party apparel, and wasted, and bar-top dancing, and showing the universe just how much you rely on choreography and tightly wound sobriety.

hey man, don’t get me wrong. This blog post is from the POV of a bitterchick who enunciates her lack of holiday cheer with a photoshoot…so…

I just wanted …I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS MY JOB…to let it be known that the plebeians ARE ON TO YOU, DANCER-GIRLS. ALSO YOU, hot girl who tries to be a dancer girl, good effort! but your leg is not going anywhere above  a 45 degree angle. I am sure you can make do with just plain old booty shaking. seems to have carried you thus far in life with aplomb.

p.S. to the GIRLS who get caught in pictures with dancer-girls, point your chin down, flair your eyelids, stick your butt to one side, point your toe, GNASH YOUR TEETH, flip off the camera.

this is sure accentuate your bone structure, line up your booty so that it’s in the background (smaller but still shapely AND THERE), lean out your arms, and ensure that at least some of the attention is stolen away from those highkicks and goofy-sweet expressions.

or, AT LEAST, it let’s them all know: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK! (but maybe a little bit)

(sometimes I find myself so amusingly bitter that I start to love myself. ahhh life’s cycles. siddartha and shit. blogging.)